For our Georgia friends- mark your calendar for August 27, 2011 and join us at Junction Lanes in Newnan, Georgia!

We are very excited as this will be our first annual fundraiser kickoff! You can still order cookbooks via the website for $10 + shipping!

So many people “tried” to understand. They “tried” to say the right things. They would “try” to offer encouragement when yet another cycle failed. I knew this and often would remind myself that they are at least “trying” to be there for us… It inevitably was one of these handful of people I would call to talk to after having a conversation with someone who “tried” yet left my heart hurting more with the cliche’ statements.

And today I was reminded that not every fertile is heartless. Not every fertile takes advantage of their fertility. Not every fertile turns the other cheek when a friend is battling infertility. You see. Almost a year ago I signed up for this marketing promotional giveaway for Lost Stork Foundation start up. Here’s how it went…

Me – “After almost four years of struggling with Infertility {and no end in sight…}, my husband and I are starting a Foundation to provide financial support to couples under going Infertility Treatments that are needed to expand their families. The tees will be apart of several items for purchase to raise money to give gifts to couples so that they can be a step closer to fulfilling their desire to be parents!”

Complete stranger – “Hi there! I came in here to try and win this package for my yet-to-be-born line of motivational tees, but reading the entries before mine I realized that a cause like Meghan Swann’s is more worthy than mine. I want to make money for my children and there’s nothing wrong with that, but if we can give a little help to those who need it more than we do we can turn this world around. I’ve been blessed with 4 wonderful children that are worth more than my life to me and I know that being a parent is the best thing that has happened to me. SO, if you choose this entry for the prize I would like to give it to Meghan so she can go ahead with her Foundation. Thanks”

Wow. I can’t believe I just saw this today! No, I did not win this giveaway but that’s okay. I won more. The encouragement to continue proceeding forward with the knowledge that both fertiles and non-fertiles alike will indeed bond together for the sake of giving infertile couples the chance they deserve to be the parents they desire! Oh, I cannot wait to give all the details about the eye opening event we hope to have in early November 2011 and how powerful it is going to be!!!! This just excites me even more knowing that the infertiles who are there will be surrounded by the fertiles that support them along the way! I’m soooo excited to see Lost Stork providing hope to couples waiting on their miracle!

I hope if you are reading this and are still longing for your miracle that you too will have a bit of hope that you are not on this journey alone. You are surrounded by people who are rooting for you and standing in your corner offering encouragement and lifting up prayer on your behalf! I remember how lonely infertility can feel. Those days will be there. I just hope they are few and far between!

Conversion Table for Cooking

I couldn’t help but automatically attribute their success to ART. So many of them had twins too. {I understand twins are more likely the older you are but they also are more likely when you transfer two embryos, or more, during IVF or have an IUI with multiple mature follicles.} I just wish, for the sake of all infertiles, that these celebrities would tell the whole story. To give hope to those who for whatever reason, will not pursue ART to conceive as well as giving hope to those who are pursuing ART to conceive. Both sides need encouragement.

How many of them used embryo or egg donation?
Did they go thru IVF and maybe PGD to transfer only the healthy embryos?
What percent of these “Fertile after 40″ celebrities really and truly conceived 100% with the old fashioned sex-at-home without any intervention what so ever?

I know for myself being in my early 20′s thru our infertility journey, I found it rather frustrating to hear celebrity story after story on this 40+ celebrity who is pregnant. I was, after all, in my prime time of fertility yet I could not conceive and they had no problem. Frustrated the living crap out of me! And then I began to accept that they have this image to portray for whatever reason, and maybe if it came out that their children are not biologically theirs {embryo or egg donation?} that a stigma would be attached. I just wish now, for the sake of women I know who are late 30′s and into their 40′s that so long to be parents for the first or more time that the whole story would be told… Maybe one day.

The moment that would forever change our lives. It, thankfully, turned into a day long event!

I was awake at 6:30am having to pee of course. Charles still laying in bed trying to enjoy the last few moments of slumber on this beautiful Friday we had off together. I got my little cup that was sitting next to the home pregnancy tests I laid out the night before as I knew this would be the big day. Still not expecting a positive, I half asleep filled the little cup. I decided to dip the digital first just for the heck of it. That was the longest 30 seconds ever! The hour glass just continued to flash so I kept turning my head away trying to pass time. When I looked back and saw the word “PREGNANT” I lost my jaw and was taken aback in complete disbelief. Still sitting on the toilet in too much disbelief as to actually stand up, I began inspecting that digital looking for the NOT in the same manner I had inspected darn line tests so many times in the hopes of seeing that elusive line!

Still sitting on the toilet {and no, I was not going number 2, just too dumbfounded to move!} and being quiet with a slight giggle I dipped the Wal-mart brand test in the cup. Before I could even lay it flat on the side of the tub it was positive! So positive I had to do not squinting. I did not have to pick it up and twist it at a certain angle to see. The line was there, about the same darkness if not more than the control line! I had to continue referencing the “Pregnant/Not Pregnant” icons on the side to make sure it was indeed pregnant! It was then that the tears started flowing and the shaking started. The tears turned to sobs as I sat there {on the toilet} holding the tests trying to form words to tell Charles. I was able to get out, “honey” in a cracked small voice. He sat up in bed and said, “what?” in the most concerned way possible. I said, “we’re pregnant” and then “come look”. He was in there in a moment and having a look for himself as I’m still sitting on the toilet sobbing with tears of joy! He then hugged me {yes, I’m still on toilet} and it was the most intimate moment and wrong in so many ways yet the most perfect moment at the same time.

When I finally had the ability to stand up, I wanted to yell it from the roof tops and call everyone we knew yet wanted so badly to tell our parents in person so had to restrain. Instead, we decided to head out to breakfast and get in to see a Dr today! We went to IHOP and although the food is delicious, it was so weird eating and knowing that we were finally pregnant. It was our first breakfast with the knowledge that we were going to be parents!

I called Dr. Pearlstone’s office and was pretty much told that because it was not a treatment cycle nor was I officially under his care yet that I needed to get in touch with my OB/Gyn. So I called Dr. S’s office. I was immediately told to come in so we can draw blood to check my hCG and Progesterone levels. Of course we were in there forever as that’s just how his office works. But thankfully we were in there forever as the office manager insisted that though Dr. S was not “in” today, he was coming in to see another patient and she wanted me to stay and get an early ultrasound to start the monitoring process. Okay by me, even though my legs needing shaving in the worst way possible!

When we were finally seen, Dr. S asked if this was all natural. I said absolutely! And he gave me a big ole’ hug and Charles a high five! It was so perfect! We saw a beautiful gestational sac on the screen and then were given our baby’s first photo!!! It was so reassuring to rule out an etopic pregnancy as I have been so fearful of one although I have no reason so be. Then we talked about to Heparin or just stay on Baby Aspirin… He wants me on Heparin I want to try Baby Aspirin. He’s letting me have my way and said he hopes to be positively proven wrong… I sure hope we have made the right decision. We were then instructed that we’ll have weekly ultrasounds at least for the next two weeks to verify things are progressing as they should.

As we were leaving, Dr. Pearlstone’s office called and said they wanted me to come in for all the blood tests and a multiple loss panel. I’d already had that done. All of it. I told them no that I was comfortable as is where we are now and thanked them.

My levels at 17 days past ovulation were hCG 1,381 and P4 15.72 – and on 20 days past ovulation it was 4,908 and P4 17.4!!! The hCG is doubling every 1.63 days!

We had our second ultrasound at 5w 1d and it showed a beautiful growing gestational sac with a perfect yoke sac in it! We’re hoping next week at 6w 1d we are lucky enough to see/hear the heartbeat but know it’s a bit early too…

I will share photos once we hear/see the heartbeat!!!!

Quick background… I have started Lost Stork Foundation in hopes of providing financial assistance to couples going thru fertility treatments or adopting. Since we are still in the ‘baby stages’, it is still just a lot of paperwork but with the reality getting closer and closer. Our first Annual fundraiser/awareness event is tentatively set for November 2010!

In hopes of helping couples sooner than later, we are putting together a cookbook to include recipes from all over the world! Infertility and adoption know no boundaries so why should we limit the recipes collected? We will include a map indicating where all the recipes have come from as well, uniting all of us who know someone that has had their lives touched personally by infertility or adoption!

Would you please help us along by submitting at least two recipes, the more the better though! Include the ingredients along with exact measurements. Step by step instructions for making. How long to cook for and at what temperature. Please also be sure to include your Name, Location {State/Providence/Territory and Country}, and what the recipe is for {appetizer, main course, dessert, etc} along with any other information you believe important.
E-mail, preferably one recipe at a time, Recipe4LostStork@gmail.com and include the recipe name in the Subject line. I will notify you when the cookbooks go on sale! And please feel free to share with others you know. The more the better!!

Thank you!!

Infertility brings out the best and the worst of me…

Let’s focus on the latter though.

I find myself being selfish, wanting others to focus on me. I sometimes think Infertility over rules all other discussions. I want to make people feel bad for me so they’ll shut up about so and so’s baby/pregnancy. I can dominate conversations by talking about infertility alone.

I find myself jealous. Jealous that others got pregnant the first try. Jealous that they have an easy pregnancy. Jealous that their belly is beautiful and round and amazing. Jealous that I cannot buy baby items without feeling a twinge of emptiness. Jealous that I do not have at least one child yet. Jealousy sometimes finds the best of me.

I find myself shutting people out. I have become ultra picky on who I share my real feelings with. {Although right now it is the world…} I push people away that I believe have the possibility of saying anything to me that will hurt my feelings. I have pushed so many people away that I can count on one hand who I really talk to.

I find that I am sometimes unable to see the positive in what I see to be a horrible situation. I cannot look at what is best for some else as I’m too busy sorting thru my own feelings on the situation. I am not sure what to do with my own feelings half the time!

I find it hard to be happy for others sometimes. When I learn of another pregnancy, even if they have struggled for awhile, it sometimes takes me awhile to come around and truly be joyful in their miracle at last. Don’t get me started on those who it was an ‘accident’ or their first cycle trying…

I find myself getting pissed with my husband and wanting to blame him for our lack of child when I really know it is my body that is failing… I just am sick and tired of being the reason and want some relief sometimes. I’ve tried coming up with things {and he doesn’t read all I do so I can really pull together crap to make him think it’s true} to make him think it’s his problem too just so I don’t feel as defective.

I dread it when others inform me they are trying to conceive or planning to do so about X time frame. I automatically starting begging God to give us a baby before them…

I find myself not wanting to really give ‘natural’ cycles a try as I do not want to fall pregnant on a break cycle for I want to so shove in everyones’ face that ever said I need to just ‘relax’ that it did take medical intervention for us to get pregnant and it wasn’t for lack of ‘relaxing’…

I sometimes wish I could rewind our entire Infertility journey and keep it all to ourselves. Not telling another soul… I sometimes wish it was still a secret between only Charles and myself as it was for the first 9 {what a coincidence} months. It’s too late now, that’s for sure! Plus, on a selfish note, I’m glad we have the support we do!

Infertility brings out the ugly side in me… Please tell me it’s not just me either! I pray for God to give me a change of heart and when I’m diligent about it, I notice a difference. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to change for then I admit I was wrong. It’s such a nasty place to be.

God please change my heart and attitude to be glorifying to you…

Four years ago today…

It began like any other day. Charles and I worked. We had been married for 2 years and just over 4 months. We had dinner. Played with Jack and Jill. We were living in our first house we purchased just a few months prior to. With that extra bedroom, our third bedroom, we had already decided it would be the nursery. Walking thru every house we looked at, we picked out which room was to be the nursery. We wanted to bring home at least our first child to this house. Our first house.

Ultimately, this day was the day it ended. The day I would no longer endure any more of the horrid side effects thanks to the many birth control pills. {Please do not tell me I am the only person to experience such horrid side effects from every single birth control pill I tried!?!?} No longer did we have to worry about condoms or buying latex free {I’m allergic. Nice huh?}. No longer did I have to set the clock to take the pill at the same time every day {or so I thought…}. No longer did I have to think of my dream of becoming a mommy a reality that was far off into the future. I had been on numerous birth control pills and today would be the day it all ended!

I had just had my period {it started on January 2} and the side effects had done me in. I was crying. I was frustrated. I was anything but happy to take another dag gum birth control pill before bed!

Then we had the talk.

Let’s have a baby!

{Those 2 years and four months prior to this date that we’d been married, I had already taken numerous home pregnancy tests feeling like I was pregnant thanks to lovely side effects! I would cry thinking about being pregnant but then I would cry when it continuously came up negative. I was a complete wreck!}

Going to bed that night, I’ll never forget the feeling I had of skipping the birth control pill and instead, throwing the whole packet {and the extras I had} in the trash! Laying in bed thinking of what the future would hold for us, for our hopeful expanding family. Even today, reverting back to that feeling I get all giddy again inside and want to have that naive ness back.

Never in a million years did I think it would take 4 years {and counting} for us to conceive. I had a feeling it would not come immediately but years? Nah.

Here we sit. Four years to the day that we threw away every remaining packet of birth control and decided it was now or never {hahhaa} to start growing our family. I picked up a couple of books on checking your fertility signs {Cervical position, cervical mucus} and begin trying to figure out my body after birth control pills. That’s another amusing story all in itself.

I have learned a lot over the last four years…

It may only take one egg and one sperm to make a baby but finding that one egg and one sperm is like finding a needle in a haystack! Nearly impossible it seems!

I have learned that Charles and I may have struggles and have to fight for what we want but we’re a darn good team!

I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I once thought, only by the grace of God though. I never would have thought I would still be standing after watching so many people {both in my book as deserving and undeserving} bring home child -after child- while we still are with empty arms.

I have learned that without my faith, I would be locked up in some padded room afar.

I have learned that life is given and taken away. To treasure each and every moment given as we are not guaranteed tomorrow… I hope to remember this the next time I see a positive pregnancy test and not immediately become overthrown with worry.

I have learned that you can love someone so much your heart aches and yet have never even met them.

I have learned that our support system is vital to our sanity remaining intact.

I have learned that it does not always take one male and one female to make a baby… Numerous doctors, nurses, embryologists, lab techs, insurance companies, etc. are involved in the process as well.

True friends are there thru it all. They endure the hormonal roller coaster right along side you. They ask how you are doing and really want to hear. They grieve with each failed cycle right along side you. Although they may become mommy’s themselves along the years, they are still there for you thru it all.

I have learned that this is our story. One that will be shared for many years to come. One that we hope God will use so we can at least feel as though we did not go thru this for nothing.

Two of the most important things I’ve learned though?

I now have a better grasp on my ‘to cry’ or ‘not to cry’ switch. Most of the time, I can tell our story without tears overcoming me. I’ve also learned to use this in other areas of my life. I’m a crier. I cry. I hate crying. You look at ugly and your face turns red and your nose runs and you can’t talk. It’s not fun. So this has been good.

I have yet to meet an infertile that is not already a wonderful mother! The hearts of fellow infertiles are so big, so welcoming. They genuinely care. For now on, the first question I ask anyone that’s a potential ‘friend’ is if they are infertile or know what it’s like to want a child that you cannot just snap your fingers to get. If the answer is no, I shun them. {Not really. I don’t even ask this question to be honest.} I admire other infertiles and believe them to be my role model.

It is by these women that I meet that my passion for Lost Stork Foundation grows so much more! They deserve to have that chance to become the parents they desire to be. Money does not stand in the way for countless other women who get pregnant and feed off the government systems or cannot afford their babies so why should a wanting couple have to push their dreams aside because they cannot afford to slap down $20,000 in one lump sum?

In one way I am grateful for the last Four years and in another, I would erase it all to have our baby already. I have read and been told over and over again that no matter how long you struggle to finally bring home your baby, it is forgotten the moment you look into their sweet little face. I grasp onto this as we take one day at a time and {hopefully} reach the five year mark holding our baby.

So today I will make a cake {and devour it myself} and reflect on the last Four Years and what the next Four Years will {hopefully} hold for us {a baby or few please!}…

I’m working as hard as I can on getting Lost Stork up and helping others! The more stories I hear/read on others who so long for a family yet just cannot afford the big bang $15,000 or heck, even $3,000 gamble on medications or treatments just breaks my heart! So please know that each story I hear is that much more of a motivator to push even harder to get Lost Stork going so these couples have one less concern when it comes to expanding their families… I know it takes one baby step at a time but in those baby steps, it feels the end is so very far away yet when I look back I see how far Lost Stork has already come! That is exciting!

I hope to get some things clarified {needing to contact a lawyer to get this clarified} and then figuring out how to pay for the filing for the 501 (c) 3 status early 2010! I have heard it takes about 6 months to get the awarded documentation.

All this is great yet really is pushing my intended deadline too… You see, I hoped for the kick off annual event to be held in early November 2010 {October is Breast Cancer awareness month and they have events all month long in every city so don’t want to ‘compete’ with them in securing city events.} and with each passing day, that kick off event feels like it becomes less and less attainable…

I get so overwhelmed with all that needs to be done with Lost Stork. It’s been a good distraction though and certainly keeping me busy! I’m still so very excited about it {regardless of the amount of paperwork I’m having to keep track of!} and cannot wait to see all the couples who become parents because of Lost Stork!

Not sure really where I was going with this post other than to say I’m so excited {still, with every piece of mail that comes in I do a mini jig right in my kitchen when it is addressed to “Lost Stork Foundation”!} but wish the fun could finally begin!

Of course, and to show off what Lost Stork Foundation got for Christmas from my mom and Ray and my dad and Jodi!

Tote bags… So neat!

Mom, Charles, and myself all have Lost Stork Foundation shirts!!! How neat is that??? I was going to share the photo of us wearing them but it’s on my cell and photobucket is being stupid and not accepting my transfers from cell to computer… So that will have to wait and this will have to do. A dirty, wrinkled shirt. But you get the idea, right??

And a gift card to Staples from Dad and Jodi! So I need to take inventory and stock up on office supplies for Lost Stork so they can bring it up when they come for Christmas since we don’t have a Staples here…

I cannot express into words how moved I was to receive these items for Lost Stork Foundation. To know that my parents believe in the cause, that they believe in me for pushing onwards… It just makes me smile and eyes fill with tears from excitement! I feel so small and yet this is one mighty huge task that I know can only be fulfilled with God’s help… His moving mountains for me. It’s all apart of our story. {Funny story on that to come tomorrow perhaps?? See, I’m doing good at getting everything out there, clearing my brain and looking for thoughts, encouragement, questions, something from you all! }

Well I need someone. An infertile. Someone that has not moved 'to the other side'. Thankfully everyone I personally know that has delt with infertility is now a mommy. I find encouragement when I talk to them that miracles still happen. This I am thankful for.

However this is not what I need right now. Tonight. Tonight I need someone who still has fresh wounds. Still has the deep heartache to be a mommy. Someone that finds themselves crying with both happiness and sadness with the news of a new baby coming into the world.

I need an infertile sister. Someone that I do not need to bring strong for but instead I can cry too for my own pain.

I just want to feel like I am not indeed the only woman on the face of the planet left childless.

Sorry to be depressing. It has been a very emotionally taxing day. Off to bed now thankfully.

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